Thoughts

We all get nervous & feelings of being anxious.  And a lot of us have gotten excellent at pushing through nerves & coming out the other end feeling proud + accomplished.  But then there’s this little devil that’s a step above nerves, anxiety.  I’ve wanted to write about my anxiety for a year now but every time I sit down to do it, I back out.

I had my 1st panic attack almost 2 years ago & have had anxiety issues since then.  I’ve always known nerves, but never panic.  And never severe anxiety.  Anxiety that I felt like I couldn’t control on my own.

There was a lot happening at the time of my first panic attack that likely led to it, but in all honestly my anxiety has been somewhat random since then.  There are certain scenarios I think will trigger anxiety, and other scenarios I feel like I’ll be comfortable in – then, the exact opposite happens. 

There’s nothing better than finding a good Netflix list.  It’s arguably better than finding a $20 bill in your pocket.  This list isn’t solely Netflix picks, but why limit ourselves?  It’s 2018, don’t act like Netflix is the only thing you have on your TV’s.

My list is excellent if I do say so myself.  The perfect amount of feel-good, comedy, drama, suspense w a mix between movies & series.  Also, I did my best not to include the obvious: Chef, Orange is the New Black, New Girl, Friends, ect.  If you haven’t already watched those 900 times over, I don’t know how to approach you.

We shall wait no longer…

I wish I did NOT have an updated post about my allergies & I could come back to you saying everything has been excellent!  OMG I dream of saying – my anaphylactic shock was a complete fluke!  Unfortunately, that’s not the case.

The worst part, I still don’t have answers.

Since my first Anaphylactic Shock situation (here), I ended up having another one.  I chose not to share that info because I instantly knew I wasn’t going to have a clear answer as to why this was happening to me.  All my doctors said “it won’t happen again”.   And when it actually did happen again, pretty close after the first time, I knew I was in trouble. Which would leave the door open for questions, assumptions & scary conclusions.  I didn’t want that type of vulnerability out there for peeps to pick at.

My first time going to see a motivational speaker & it was freaking TONY ROBBINS!  You guys.  I don’t think you understand how much I used to obsess over this man & his story.  I saw him on Ellen years + years ago.  I bought one of his books while in Dubai & when I finished it, Wafiq read it too.  We’ve both tried to steal his energy in our day to day living, so to get the opportunity to see him live was so fortunate!

I wanted to quickly pass on a key point or two that we took away from hearing him speak.  Obviously in no way will I be able to reproduce any of his information, you’ll have to go see him for that, BUT there were a few things that gave both of us a beautiful refresher on this wonderful life we have.

I’ll set the tone, Tony started his speech by saying we had nothing to truly complain about.  If we were able to afford tickets to that convention & had health enough to participate – we are fortunate.  I always remind myself of that exact same thing.  If we’re functioning, if we have our health & we can walk around – we should be grateful.  (You HAVE to watch this 2 minute YouTube video.  I stole it from Joe Rogan’s podcast. OMG it’s fucking everything.  Watch: here)

Tony Robbins doesn’t see himself as a motivational speaker because he doesn’t tell you to change your mind, or to think positively.  He believes & teaches a strategy.  He said, if there’s a weed growing in your backyard he’s not going to tell you to go think really hard & be as positive as possible about this weed going away & any future weeds coming into the garden.  Instead, he’s going to tell you to go out to the backyard right away & pull out the fucking weed.  He’s more than simply thinking positive.  Strategy.

He major believes in movement & energy.  Physically moving.  That’s why he jumps around a lot at his conventions & “Go Crazy!” is flashing on the projector screen.

His energy is UP.  And ours should be too.

Eeeek! I have a story for you!  I debated shoving this story into my Washington DC post but thought it was too special for that.  Things like this story stand out to me, give me good feelings inside & inspire me.  They pull my mind away from nonsense.  SO, I wanted to give it it’s own space.

Wafiq & I debated going to Washington DC while we were visiting Charlottesville VA because we knew it would have to be a super short trip, & wondered if the drive was worth it.  Once Wafiq’s family found out the option of D.C. was on the table, they pushed for it; one of his Aunt’s was also in D.C. at the time – we thought it was a good idea to all meet up.  (This is life when you don’t live near family, you have to make it work wherever/whenever!)

We met up with his aunt, Hala the first day, right after checking into the hotel.  Now let me tell you my condition, I just came from Charlottesville where I was in an extravagant wedding that truly exhausted me.  Not just the day, but the extravagance of everything too.   You can’t help but be a part of such a huge experience & eventually start comparing yourself… right?  I also had allergy frustrations come up, new people, grand things & overall… A LOT.

We met Hala at the tiny cafe inside the entrance of Nordstrom’s & found a little table outside, in the mall.  Wafiq’s aunt is TINY.  (PS.  there’s nothing like meeting Arab girls that makes you realize you could shed a few LBS.  lol!  They’re so small!)  Back on track, she was the tiniest little lady.

Also, let me tell you.  Meeting any “mom figure” Arab woman is always a gamble in my mind.  Sometimes they’re extremely kind to me, I’ve had unkind experiences as well.  Some are traditional, some judgemental, some curious, some opinionated – so I was hesitant to see how our meeting was going to go.

We started talking, she asked about my allergies right away, making sure I was ok.  After that quick conversation Wafiq threw in how smart his Aunt was, almost teasing – but if you know me, I had to get in there.  Smart people? I love.  Doesn’t matter what kind of smart.  I’m into it.

The day is finally here! I get to express my thoughts on WEDDINGS!  I’ve been waiting for this moment for approximately 47 days, 10 hours, and 19 minutes.  Is this post for you? or me? Me?

Like I’ve mentioned, I have 4 serious friends so weddings have never been a full time thing for me.  I haven’t been to 9 weddings every “wedding season” that rolls around – but, I have been to enough to know.

Know what?

That I don’t like them anymore.

I don’t really believe in wedding season because I’ve been to weddings.. in every season. Each of them so pretty & special.  But I get it; spring is colorful, fresh, lush, & the weather is just right.  Below is a list I put together of the rather uncommon tips I have for the first time Maid’s of Honor (aka MOH).

There are millions of girls out there that have been in a million weddings, but then – there’s girls like me.  I have 4 friends. One of them is my dog.  I invest in the other 3 really well, but it’s hard for me to manage more than that. (Remember, this post?)  I’ve accepted I’m not a 36 BFF’s type person.  So this was the first wedding I had to wear a Maid of Honor hat.

If you’re like me & one of those 4 friends of yours is getting married & wants you to be their Maid of Honor – this post is for you.  Because you’ll likely be the only newbie, & w the coveted position next to the bride.

10 Uncommon Tips For A 1st Time Maid Of Honor

Show Up:  This sounds obvious but I’ve been to other weddings where the Best Man or the Maid of Honor is missing from particular events, if at all possible don’t be that person.  Just showing up, being present, smiling, is already making you a star at the duty.  And not just wedding day, I’m talking bridal shower(s), bachelorette parties, wedding weekend events, all of it!  Everyone wants to see the Groom, Bride, Parents, & then bridal party.

Only Do What the Bride Wants:  Don’t do more.  Have good communication w the bride so you know what she wants & listen to her.  Then stick to just that.  Something that’s cool or important to you, might not be to them, & vice versa.

A Petit Four is a Small Cake: Yeah.  I guess everyone else knows this?  Good term to have in your pocket, thank me later.  They’re served at bridal showers.  If you’re in charge of bringing dessert, this is probably what they’re expecting.  (You have no idea the amount of time I googled this)

Have you ever tried not eating or drinking?  Since my allergy attack I’ve cut out almost everything.  Any complicated food & all drinks besides water + topo chico.   I had one allergy doc tell me I was fine to eat anything & another recommended sticking to basics until my results come back –  but I chose to stick to basics, where I know every ingredient I’m consuming.

I don’t like the idea of risking another allergy attack, and for me – food & alcohol isn’t worth it.

I think I had an emotional attachment to food you guys.  When the attack first happened I was almost depressed thinking about not eating french fries & nachos anymore.  I have an anxious mind so I’ll blow up any idea I can, and in my head I was cutting out all my favorite snack worthy foods & wine – for life.  I felt a best friend leaving me, food.

But I saw this basic ingredient diet of mine as an experiment.  Remember when I did the Master Cleanse?  I view this allergy attack, and my new diet, the same way.  A challenge, and I live for challenges.  I want to re introduce ingredients to my diet one by one to see how they make me feel.  Having this approach to food after my allergy attack is better than fear & anger, right?   I’d rather create a challenge out of the whole debacle than sit around being scared of it.

So, I’ve also stopped eating at most restaurants.

And let me tell you, this is the most challenging part.  I’m 100% fine w my new “constrictions” because it’s part of my challenge.  In my mind, I adjusted from being depressed about food, to tackling it.  I have my main foods, that I absolutely love eating, and am full every single day.  + I love cooking at home.

The challenging part?  Everyone around me.  I get a lot of teasing about not eating because “oh yeah! You’re allergic to everything (eye roll)” and “try this! try this!” and “why can’t we just meet at a restaurant, you can find something to eat, or just sit w me” OR the best one – while putting something up to my face “don’t you just want to eat this?”

FML.

I’ve been wanting to share my ideas to shake away anxious or depressing moods for a few weeks, & I think it happened at the perfect time!  My list was recently tested since the big ol allergy attack & now I’m pretty confident in it.  At least one of the ideas below can get your spirits lifted, because there’s nothing uglier than a bad mood or ANXIETY.

DISTRACT, DISTRACT, DISTRACT.  That’s kind of the ultimate goal.  Distract your mind.  Typically, I’m trying to steer clear of sadness, anxiety, stress, or worry. 

When I graduated college, I listened to gangster rap 24/7 – afraid of the other radio stations.  After receiving a college degree & barely getting an interview at Starbucks, I was having a rough time.  And gangster rap had it’s special way of keeping my mind in a “fuck you” spirit, which was better than sad pop or country songs pushing me closer & closer to a quarter life crisis.  

I suggest, starting with one idea & moving to the next if it doesn’t work.  And when you find one that does work – milk it for awhile.

10 EASY WAYS TO CHANGE YOUR MOOD
1. Talk to Yourself:   A loving dialogue.  I learned this from Yoga.  Have you ever tried telling yourself nice things??  WAY more difficult than it sounds. Be nice to yourself, tell yourself kind things:  “I am happy.  I am brave.  I am strong.  I am healthy.  I’m doing the best I can.  I’m powerful. I am ok.”   Try it!

2. Podcasts:  Podcasts basically cured my anxiety.  I can 99% depend on them to relieve anxiety.  I listen to Joe Rogan when I need a distraction or Juicy Scoop when I need background noise & a quick laugh.  All of my Insta Stories at the park? I’m ALWAYS listening to a podcast.  I bring my headphones everywhere & pop them in w a podcast –  waiting rooms, shopping, when I’m getting ready, cleaning, working…

3. Music:   Even if you’re around other people – at work, next to your boyfriend, at the park.  Put your headphones in & find music that makes you feel good.  Try a few different genres, even if you’ve never heard of them.  i.e. Rap, when I need a confidence boost.  Country, when emotional.  Kygo Station when I have anxiety.  Pop, for a distraction.  Explore.

4. Shop:  I mean don’t get addicted here, but if you’re stressed – browse at the store or online.  Buy something that makes you happy or that you’ve been needing.  Even if it’s super small.  You’ll feel accomplished.  (Enter >> Amazon.)

5. Driving:  Take a break. Go for an easy/no traffic drive.  With music.

I read my own writing from a few years ago & want to throw up.  “I just want to be positive, like all the time, and be bright & think about the positive part of everything. Fuck negativity.”

But this year, 2018, I’m OVER IT.

I was following this one chick on Instagram that shares how she remains positive about everything.  Yes, even positive about her one little zit she named, Joseph. OMG!  How can she be SOoO positive in such a difficult time?!  Don’t worry, she’s always sharing tips on how she keeps her positive attitude so you can be just like her.

I don’t think she’s ever heard someone say Fuck.

If she did, she would probably pray afterwards.

The thing is, I wanted to be like her.  Positive AF.  Because even if there’s negative shit happening in the world, I don’t want to talk about it.  All we hear are opinions & negativity & annoyances, so I wanted to contribute to the positive side of things.

I asked Wafiq what he thought.  Should I keep striving for this positive image or should I just… be myself.

That’s when it hit me.  These “positive” people are the same people that would have voted to convict the man in my experience on Jury Duty – to 26 years in jail.  The same people I didn’t know existed.  They’re the same people who are either perfect or are trying to appear perfect.  And I just can’t stand for that anymore.

I was following a ton of bloggers & people on Instagram like this.  Perfect, Positive, Perfect, Positive.  And for awhile I was inspired to be the same way.

But wait a minute, this doesn’t make sense in real life.  In real life, there’s a lot of people that don’t have perfect circumstances.

Happy Valentines Day everyone!

This is my favorite holiday because it’s all about LOVE & being kind.  Take the extra step to be thoughtful to everyone around you, ultimately that’s what Valentines Day should be about.

I tend to support single people during Valentines Day, because I think they bitch the most?  Like, I’ll stay in with my bottle of wine & The Notebook & cry myself to sleep style.  BUT this time I’m coming after people in a relationship.  Because, when you’re in a relationship for a long time, little gestures can get lost & Valentines Day can end up feeling dumb?  Single people – you’re GOOD on Valentines Day. The possibilities are endless, I used to love this holiday when I was single, read this post: HERE.

You know the CRAZY part about being in a relationship?  The amount of time you’re choosing to give someone besides yourself.  When you spend every day with someone, sleeping next to them, waking up next to them, making decisions with them, creating a family with them, living with them – in a way, you’re choosing to dedicate your life to them.  Think about it.  Because if you recall, we only have ONE life.  How intense is that?

I started thinking about this because I often hear people bitch about their significant other.  Often times joking, sometimes serious.  This typically happens after a few years together, right?  The fucking dishes, the annoying friend, the job.  At my age, it’s typically deciding about taking the step to marriage, or once in a marriage it’s about the pile of other conflicting situations that come up. But at the end of the day, we have one life.  When we’re in a long relationship,  we’re choosing to lay down next to the same person every day, for years & years.  We’re giving our lives to each other.  I can’t think of anything more significant than that, in our entire lives.  Or anyone more important to get along with.   Your kids will come, but they’ll also go create a family.  Your own family will do the same.  Your friends will come & go… But damn, that one “person” you lay down next to every night will be laying down next to you forever.  They’ll be there when people come, and they’ll be there next to you when everyone goes.

What a commitment. And what a journey.

That makes me realize bitching & moaning about little things is pointless.  Worrying about small annoyances shouldn’t matter.  Let it go, let it go.  We should be gentle with our partners, we’re giving them a humongous part of our one life. You know what I mean?

I was in a meeting earlier this month & everyone was asked: What is one thing you learned this year?  They asked a lot of hard questions like that…  What’s a trait in yourself that you would not want to give someone else? 

But, one thing I learned this year… Oddly enough, I feel like I’ve had a pretty comfortable year.  The years before 2017 were chaotic & I’d probably respond to this question with answers like: patience, confidence, staying positive, ect.  Moving to Dubai, adjusting there, working there, then moving back, my relationship with Wafiq, his immigration process, being broke, moving everywhere again, needing a job – every year contained variables.  And in the moment, I often felt frustrated – like I was wasting time.  I couldn’t wait to be “normal”.  Get my life on track like everyone else.

Then, this year I finally had it!  Normal & comfortable.  At the very least, it was appearing to be on track.

But, throughout the year, and I think I’ve said this before on my blog, I found myself missing the variables & chaos.  Even being broke!

For example, when you have no money, other parts of your life strengthen.  Your creativity, your imagination, your hustle, your ideas, your friendships.

For example, when you have big life decisions ahead of you,  the opportunity to impress yourself by being brave & making choices presents itself.

For example, when you’re not “on track”, you don’t have pressure or expectations.  People are either disappointed & judgemental OR they’re believing in your journey & supportive.  Relationships are defined.

There’s so much learning happening in the stages that you can’t wait to get through!