It’s My Birthday, I Want To Cry Now
OMG it’s my birthday & I would love a solid cry. Not because I’m getting older. Because last year…sucked. I want to cry it away, cry it’s frustrations out. But after that, smile. Aggressive mood swing. Because it’s over.
Happy Birthday to me, I’m ready for it. Let me change my age, PLEASE. Kiss that last one good fucking bye.
I started last year sick, for a solid 2 months. I wasn’t taking any allergy medicine & I think it was Cedar Fever that I was battling, but I was freaking SICK. Every day. For all of January & all of February. I moved from the bed to the couch to the bed to the couch again, I felt like a loser & sad. I couldn’t feel freaking better. I wasn’t working. I felt like a worthless blob.
Then came my allergy attack in March. Wtf. Talk about life-altering panic. And another one in fucking April while I was IN my friend’s wedding, just to make sure I was aware of the situation. The doctor said: “live in fear & anxiety because I had a rare condition” where this would continue to happen to me forever. So…I cried harder than ever. I went back to all the doctors. My therapist. Ate rice for a few months. Did I mention I lost my period for a few months too, I think because of the steroids I needed after those two allergy attacks.
A year of anxiety, doctors, anxiety, allergies, anxiety, money, anxiety, rice, anxiety, panic.
BITCH.
BYE.
And people say the F word isn’t necessary, ha!
WELCOME this next year of life, let us see what’s in store. Is it ok to just not have a good year? Wish it away? I know this sounds like a rabbit hole of negativity, which isn’t my goal believe it or not. I’m feeling a frustrated cry mixed with a praise-jesus-I’m-through-it cry. A fresh start has finally presented itself. I’ve tried all year to worry only about the next day, and not think too much about the past. When I’m sitting here reflecting, realizing a year has gone by, all the feelings I went through – I’m emotional. And then I want to cry.
If I take my hate emotion out of the picture, there was good. Fine. I can admit that if I must. I did lose weight. I’ve been feeling much healthier & energized w my new diet. I have a better relationship w food. I like my body again. I found more direction. Everyone around me was healthy & safe. BUT, I’d like to make it crystal clear that I don’t need that lesson again, I’m in understanding – life is short.
Of course, this next year could suck as well. Hell, it could be worse. (It’s very like me to assume it will.) But I’m ready to kiss that last one goodbye. Whatever’s next, is next. Even if shit hits the fan, let it be a new fucking fan.
I’ve been READY for this birthday.
As you may have noticed from Instagram, I’m currently in Colorado cleansing that old year out of my life. Wafiq’s family was visiting so we came to meet them here. If you have long distance family you know, you do what you can, where you can to meet up whenever possible. I’m laser-focused on making sure I start the first few days of this new year on a good foot, the way I want the rest of my year to go. Take it one day at a time is my motto.
We’ll see. Maybe I can find a massage & someone to pay for it. Skiing is for rich people or what?
Side note, if you ever need a good gut paining laugh – invite Wafiq ice skating. Especially if it’s your birthday so he can’t get mad at you. This is my all time favorite thing to do & the hardest I’ve ever laughed in my life. I love him. Like a sweet flamingo with waders on as ice skates.
Thank you for letting me vent on my birthday, you gave the best gift.
Love you, k bye.
Be thoughtful
Xx
Happy birthday! I know your going to have an amazing year!
Me too 🙂