love

Let’s chat about life today, shall we?

This post is for anyone struggling with anxiety & has had someone tell them, they get nervous too.  When I used to toss the word anxious around, I had no idea what true anxiety meant.  I associated anxious, with nerves.  But they’re very different for a lot of people.

I don’t get to brag about my doggie very much here.  Although I exploit her via Instagram often, I try not to bombard posts w my Bernice obsession online.  However, today it’s her Birthday so I wanted to share a story.

Let LOVE prevail.  This was challenging you guys.  I’m not a big cheesy love quote person, I’m actually very far from it.  There are few romantic quotes that speak to me, but in my relationship, it’s hard to take most romantic quotes seriously.

I LOVE YOU.  I mean it.  I’ve been quietly mentioning all month how my word of the year is: LOVE.  I’m not sure if having a word of the year is a thing or not, but it felt right.  2019, living with the word LOVE at the front of my mind?

YAY! It’s officially 2019.  It’s here, we made it!  And another year bites the dust.  Is anyone ready to get back to their regularly scheduled program with work & food?  All the sugar & extra meals can get annoying.  I made a Pecan Pie & literally cut it in half for Wafiq & I to split.  Excuse me while I vomit.

Happy Valentines Day everyone!

This is my favorite holiday because it’s all about LOVE & being kind.  Take the extra step to be thoughtful to everyone around you, ultimately that’s what Valentines Day should be about.

I tend to support single people during Valentines Day, because I think they bitch the most?  Like, I’ll stay in with my bottle of wine & The Notebook & cry myself to sleep style.  BUT this time I’m coming after people in a relationship.  Because, when you’re in a relationship for a long time, little gestures can get lost & Valentines Day can end up feeling dumb?  Single people – you’re GOOD on Valentines Day. The possibilities are endless, I used to love this holiday when I was single, read this post: HERE.

You know the CRAZY part about being in a relationship?  The amount of time you’re choosing to give someone besides yourself.  When you spend every day with someone, sleeping next to them, waking up next to them, making decisions with them, creating a family with them, living with them – in a way, you’re choosing to dedicate your life to them.  Think about it.  Because if you recall, we only have ONE life.  How intense is that?

I started thinking about this because I often hear people bitch about their significant other.  Often times joking, sometimes serious.  This typically happens after a few years together, right?  The fucking dishes, the annoying friend, the job.  At my age, it’s typically deciding about taking the step to marriage, or once in a marriage it’s about the pile of other conflicting situations that come up. But at the end of the day, we have one life.  When we’re in a long relationship,  we’re choosing to lay down next to the same person every day, for years & years.  We’re giving our lives to each other.  I can’t think of anything more significant than that, in our entire lives.  Or anyone more important to get along with.   Your kids will come, but they’ll also go create a family.  Your own family will do the same.  Your friends will come & go… But damn, that one “person” you lay down next to every night will be laying down next to you forever.  They’ll be there when people come, and they’ll be there next to you when everyone goes.

What a commitment. And what a journey.

That makes me realize bitching & moaning about little things is pointless.  Worrying about small annoyances shouldn’t matter.  Let it go, let it go.  We should be gentle with our partners, we’re giving them a humongous part of our one life. You know what I mean?

I was in a meeting earlier this month & everyone was asked: What is one thing you learned this year?  They asked a lot of hard questions like that…  What’s a trait in yourself that you would not want to give someone else? 

But, one thing I learned this year… Oddly enough, I feel like I’ve had a pretty comfortable year.  The years before 2017 were chaotic & I’d probably respond to this question with answers like: patience, confidence, staying positive, ect.  Moving to Dubai, adjusting there, working there, then moving back, my relationship with Wafiq, his immigration process, being broke, moving everywhere again, needing a job – every year contained variables.  And in the moment, I often felt frustrated – like I was wasting time.  I couldn’t wait to be “normal”.  Get my life on track like everyone else.

Then, this year I finally had it!  Normal & comfortable.  At the very least, it was appearing to be on track.

But, throughout the year, and I think I’ve said this before on my blog, I found myself missing the variables & chaos.  Even being broke!

For example, when you have no money, other parts of your life strengthen.  Your creativity, your imagination, your hustle, your ideas, your friendships.

For example, when you have big life decisions ahead of you,  the opportunity to impress yourself by being brave & making choices presents itself.

For example, when you’re not “on track”, you don’t have pressure or expectations.  People are either disappointed & judgemental OR they’re believing in your journey & supportive.  Relationships are defined.

There’s so much learning happening in the stages that you can’t wait to get through!

I never know if I should write how I feel right when I’m feeling it or wait until I get my thoughts together… For example, Jury Duty.  I walked out of Jury Duty feeling like I couldn’t breathe.  I was fucking rocked, and scared, and anxious.  For a week I couldn’t sleep without having nightmares.  Surprisingly, my immediate reaction was to hate blogging.  The first thought I had was “fuck my blog”.   Although it’s my creative outlet,  my experience on Jury Duty made me feel like I was wasting precious, valuable time working on my silly blog.  I needed to be doing more!  A week or so passed and I started thinking I need to write this all down in my blog, change my blog, change people!  But then I felt I was too wrapped up in emotion, not thinking clearly.  Now, I’m a month past Jury Duty and feel like I’m rational, yet still kind of wish I would’ve written everything down when I was irrational.  When people are super expressive with feelings I listen to them, even if they’re wrong, there has to be parts to take away.

A month ago I had to report for Jury Duty.  I recently registered to vote and the two results in that decision were (1) Donald Trump as my president (2) Jury Duty summons.  Real winning decision making skills right there, Ha!

My first reaction with Jury Duty was, anxiety.  Because that’s what I do best.  “What if I have a panic attack while I’m there”  “There’s no way out of this”  “What if I can’t breathe” “What if I can’t talk” “How long will it take”  “What if I don’t show up”.  Welcome to my brain.

Everyone told me their Jury Duty stories & how they tried to get out of it or why they weren’t chosen or how strong minded they were so no way someone would pick them, or it’s probably a dumb case, so annoying to go to Jury Duty.

I had NO idea how fucking hard it would be for me.  I happened to get chosen to be a Jury member.  12 out of 80 something people were chosen.  I have a few thoughts on that.  If you have an education, compassion, you’re smart, you listen, understanding, morals & ethics – you SHOULD be a chosen member for Jury Duty.  When I started hearing what some of the other Jury contenders were saying, I thought holy Jesus I better be chosen.  No way they’ll let these fucking stubborn assholes make a judicial decision, right?! And I was right – they chose me.  And they should choose me.  They should choose you too, if you’re smart and a good listener.  It is your duty and it is your responsibility.  ESPECIALLY if you’re making decisions about someones future.  If you don’t do it, those stubborn assholes will, and that’s not acceptable.

The Case.  I’m going to summarize what was a week long journey of my court case the best I can.  In reality, the details of the case itself wasn’t the traumatizing part of Jury Duty so I don’t want it to be the highlight of this post.  There was a domestic violence dispute where a woman ended up with a cut on her hand and the defendant plead not guilty.  This was a felony case because of the claim of the use of a deadly weapon.  When it came time to deliberate there were two different charges we could sentence the defendant with, or decide he’s not guilty.  The jury decided the harsher of the two, a felony.  The second decision was his sentencing.  Because he already had a felony on his record and spent time in jail, the Texas law requires a minimum sentence of 25 years.  My jury members wanted to really stick it to him so they gave him a 26 year sentence, as kind of a “ha ha”.  The defendant stood up, heard his sentence, ran his fingerprints, and went to jail until he likely will pass away.

I can’t believe it’s already August.  I’m actually okay with that because, as much as the rest of Austin is loving to complain about the heat, I’m grateful it hasn’t been worse!  Sure, it’s been 106+ everyday but it’s August… in Texas.  Wouldn’t we be concerned if it was any other way?  Not to mention a few years ago we were 110+ for a record number of days before we saw August 1.

I used to be afraid of recipes that had ingredients I didn’t use or have in my kitchen.  I thought it took too much energy to find them & the unknown price & flavors… But over time & the use of bravery, I’ve stalked my kitchen with all kinds of interesting ingredients & end up using them more than I expected.

The best way I can describe the night was being flooded with emotion, in a way that stuck with me for a few days.  I looked at the bachelor’s around me & you could see a sparkle in their eyes throughout the evening as well, you literally couldn’t help feeling a deep love throughout the entire wedding.