My 1st Panic Attack & An Intro To My Anxiety

What Is A Panic Attack?  “A panic attack is a sudden episode of intense fear that triggers severe physical reactions when there is no real danger or apparent cause. Panic attacks can be very frightening. When panic attacks occur, you might think you’re losing control, having a heart attack or even dying.” (via)

We all get nervous & feelings of being anxious.  And a lot of us have gotten excellent at pushing through nerves & coming out the other end feeling proud + accomplished.  But then there’s this little devil that’s a step above nerves, anxiety.  I’ve wanted to write about my anxiety for a year now but every time I sit down to do it, I back out.

I had my 1st panic attack almost 2 years ago & have had anxiety issues since then.  I’ve always known nerves, but never panic.  And never severe anxiety.  Anxiety that I felt like I couldn’t control on my own.

There was a lot happening at the time of my first panic attack that likely led to it, but in all honestly my anxiety has been somewhat random since then.  There are certain scenarios I think will trigger anxiety, and other scenarios I feel like I’ll be comfortable in – then, the exact opposite happens.

I was taking a shower one afternoon & must have really been in my head.  You know those shower thoughts, usually positive I’m sure, mine were negative that day apparently.  My hands went a little numb & I got very dizzy & lightheaded.  I felt like I couldn’t breathe.  I always think I’m dying, so I started thinking maybe this was my time.  I went out to the living room & felt worse.  I told Wafiq what was going on & that I couldn’t explain it right, but something was very wrong & unbearable.  We went outside to try getting air & feel more comfortable breathing but it wasn’t working.  I remember my hair still had soap in it.  The park is my happy place so we quickly got the dog, hopped in the car, and headed to the park.

These were my peak moments of panic.

My vision started going white & blurry, I couldn’t breathe.  I was lightheaded but mostly, I was having the worst thoughts of my life.  I genuinely believed I was dying.  We got to a stop light & I remember Wafiq looking at me, telling me I was okay.  I stared at my hands.  Wiggled my fingertips.  But felt like I couldn’t feel them or concentrate on anything.  I asked Wafiq to please pull over.  Right there.  In the middle of the road.  As he was waiting for the light to turn green –

I took a super deep breathe, so big, because I thought this was it.  My last breathe.  I literally took it thinking I had to accept this situation, my dying, peacefully.  My final breathe of air.  And Wafiq would have to do something with my body after that.  Maybe the ER? Maybe call 911? At least I wouldn’t be around for that.

To my surprise it wasn’t my last breathe.  I actually started feeling better after that.  Not substantially, but enough that I didn’t think I was going to die in that exact moment.  (Flash forward to what I know now, breathing is MAJOR for anxiety.  That big breathe I took thinking it was my way of passing to death?  Actually did the opposite & saved me.)

We got out of the car, on the side of the road.  Which also helped.  All the commotion broke up my thoughts so I could focus again.

Unfortunately, the days after that were just as debilitating.  If anxiety is on a scale from 1-10.  10 being that major panic attack, where I was about to go to heaven, then I was at a steady 9 for weeks after that.  Literally fighting each minute to stay away from the 10.  I missed work.  I couldn’t leave the house.  No way I could eat.  I couldn’t call anyone.  I couldn’t get dressed.  I couldn’t put makeup on.  I couldn’t shower, workout, or stop myself from crying.  It was a constant cycle of crying & panic.  Wafiq traveled to Dubai, I was alone for the 1st time in over 3 years.  I managed to call my mom, needed her to fly down to Austin the next day.  Had to Skype Wafiq from Dubai my entire drive to the airport because I couldn’t physically see how it was going to be possible for me to drive.  I tried getting an Uber but didn’t want to interact with a driver.  And at the time was still trying to convince my mom I was somewhat okay.   Wafiq on Skype & my dog in the seat next to me are my saving grace here.

I didn’t stop crying from panic for DAYS.  DAYS!

At the time, I didn’t know what it was.  I went to the doctor with my mom as soon as I could.  Knowing I would be getting my death sentence.  The doctor told me it was anxiety.  I knew she missed something, but I had to believe her.  She prescribed me medicine.  I took it.  It didn’t help.

Then I called my friend, whom will never know how much she helped me in this journey.  She gave me her therapist’s info.  I booked an appointment & started my journey with anxiety, which has been a LONG one.

This panic attack & the month after were only the beginning.   Anxiety has been a huge part of my life since that one day I thought I was going to die.  I’ve been seeing a therapist since then, no longer on medicines, but have my days through the entire 1-10 anxiety scale.

I’ve been scared to talk about it because anxiety has been challenging for me to figure out & also accept.  I never feel like I fully understand it or what it is or when it’s going to happen or how to handle it, but I’m trying.

I think I’m getting better.

Talking about anxiety, gives me anxiety.  Anxiety can make you skip meeting up with friends, or feel guilty about your actions, and can be completely debilitating.  I almost had to take a freaking leave of absence from work!  I couldn’t get myself there every morning. I couldn’t get dressed.   Ughhh.

I’ve learned a lot in the past 2 years through anxiety, through my work with my therapist, through trial & error.  Hopefully I can start to put some posts together to share what I’ve picked up on, and maybe help someone out or at least provide perspective.

I’m a girl who moved across the country when I was 18 to go to college in a city I knew no one!  I studied by myself in a country where literally no one spoke English!  I moved across the world to the Middle East, without visiting!  How can I be plagued with this bullshit anxiety?!

We have to be careful in how we judge people & what we think is going on in their lives.  Because we truly have no idea. I had no idea.  Since then, I’ve learned to accept my anxiety.  Flaws are what make us perfect human beings.

This was the beginning of my anxiety story but a lot has happened since then.  Although anxiety sucks, & that time in my life was the hardest, there’s also been a tremendous amount of good that has come from it.  Work on mental health, understanding, compassion, and perspective.  And that’s what I’m excited to share.  Because not all bad things have to be really bad 🙂

Isn’t anxiety the weirdest thing?   Ooo I can’t wait to share more.  This is a good starting point, my panic attack truly was the beginning… & writing it down wasn’t nearly as anxiety provoking as I thought it was going to be, so I feel like I can build from here.

Eventually, I want to help people feel comfortable finding a therapist – for anything! And to know about anxiety, knowing how it can make people feel.  For me, I think it’s always best to provide perspective.  I always thought anxiety was just nerves, I never realized how debilitating it can be.  And how the question “what are you so nervous about?” doesn’t always have an answer.  The more we know, the more we can relate to people, and be thoughtful of them.

Ok, I’m off to rest!  I’ll be honest, I’m not an all-star traveler.  Very much comfortable at home, cooking my meals, in my routine, with my doggie.  I have felt a little off since coming back from Minnesota, but realize it may just be the 100+ degree heat because wtf is that.   Ouch.

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend, somewhere that feels like 78 degrees – my preferred temperature.

As always, be thoughtful

Xx

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