Life Update: Anxiety While Staying Home

Wouldn’t this be awkward if I came back without addressing the pandemic of the world.  I didn’t know when to start writing again, but it felt right.

I thought I was going to stay off all social media & news outlets.  That’s routine practice & tends to control a lot of unnecessary anxiety, but with so much changing I also felt like I had to occasionally check-in to stay educated.  At least on some level.  And that’s still what I’m trying to do, a balance between a little bit of information & turning everything off to work on a puzzle or sit under the sunshine.  Some days it works, some days it doesn’t.

At first, I thought the corona outbreak spreading in the United States was going to be a catastrophe to my anxiety.  It’s no secret my anxiety is triggered by anything – health!  I literally THINK a symptom into existence.  (WTF?!)  Well my anxiety did make a startling appearance, but a long time ago, in the beginning of February while I was still in Dubai.  I first heard about the virus while I was abroad, but barely anyone else was talking about it yet.  I glanced past an article that mentioned an outbreak in China & that was enough for my mind to latch on to.  My anxiety got very bad, especially the last few weeks in Dubai.  I wanted to share that experience with you because I felt the need to be transparent & not like I’m living in some version of a fairytale when that’s not reality, but I couldn’t get myself to sit down & write through it.  Let me tell you now, that anxiety was a bitch.  Like, a bitch-ch-chhhh.   I felt my regular symptoms, but every single time I would MOVE.  Literally.  Like if I left the bed to go to the bathroom? Anxiety.  With a newly added symptom of, nausea!  Not a good time my friends.  I wasn’t able to pinpoint exactly why it was so bad, but I knew I was ready to be home.  I couldn’t imagine not being home if an outbreak started, even though that wasn’t the prediction at the time, my mind decided it could happen.

My anxiety hasn’t been nearly as bad since being home, surprisingly.  Even though the situation escalated pretty rapidly since then.  (worldwide spread, death tolls, quarantines, economic stress, ect.)   I think I’ve been anxious about the virus for so long, weeks before things got Corona crazy here, that it almost feels surprising to have so many people anxious with me.  Like I’m not fighting this thought alone?  Unusual.  Most of the time my anxiety is a battle within myself, usually when no one else knows it’s happening, about something that I blew up in a ridiculous way.  In this case, having most of the population anxious, brings me ease.  Like, welcome to the club of anxiety, I’ve been here waiting.

My favorite doc addressed a lot of the posts & descriptions speaking towards “uncertainty”.  “These are such uncertain times”.    She explained by being uncertain, that would assume that we once thought times were: certain.  When that simply isn’t the case.

Anything can happen, any day.  Coronavirus or not.  Car accidents, disease, war, mistakes, earthquakes- anything!  The only thing we can be certain of is, change.  And that’s what we’re facing now.  Unfortunately, realizing life is not certain has been at the forefront of my mind since my first panic attack a few years ago.  What’s the solution & how does someone live with that uncertainty?  I don’t know.  What’s been working for me the last few years?  Being healthy & present.  2 things I can try to control.

Maybe we need to be more present, take care of ourselves, eat healthily, love each other, be thoughtful & compassionate.  Care less about things & more about each other.  We’re only here together for a blip of time, but we’re together nonetheless.  I don’t think uncertainty should take away from the present moment, but make you appreciate it even more – knowing that things can & will change.  Feel me?

Humans have been going at such an intensely fast pace, appreciating a hustle more than health, that I can see why it appears so many people are struggling to sit still.  To be at home, with themselves or (what are supposed to be) loved ones.  Maybe that’s what we need, that’s the practice here for a lot of us.  Build a home you are happy in, with people that you love, a body strong enough to endure, & a mind that you can be quiet with.

I worry about anxious & depressed people right now, among others.  Like, how are they (we) possibly getting through this?  But the thing that brings me the most comfort is knowing that we’re in this together.  The entire world is in this together you guys!  Wafiq calls his parents in Dubai as their quarantined in their homes, now longer than we have been.  His friends in Bahrain are in the same situation.   None of us know how to feel, we’re all a mixed bag of emotions together, deciding whether or not to be worried & how to act or occupy time.

I find peace knowing there will be so much sunshine in our future together.  The air pollution in the Chinese sky has almost gone away! (via)  The earth is taking a breath, & our sweet home needed it desperately – for all of us to continue.   The chaotic noise created from being too comfortable, has turned quiet.  Priorities are adjusting.

I’ve always believed everything happens for a reason.  Oftentimes it’s impossible to know why in the moment, but I’ve been proven over & over that life works that way & the best we can do is trust it.  And that’s what I’m trying to do today.  Tomorrow may be different.

Alright, now that I addressed the elephant in the room, hopefully I can get back to writing again.  Plz mute if I don’t float your boat.  (Mute anyone or anything that’s annoying, k?)

I love you guys so fucking much.

We’re going to be ok.

Be thoughtful

Xx