How to Use the Hose to Wash Your Hole

And today we’re finally landing on the topic all American’s have been needing to hear their entire lives – washing your bum bum holes.

Listen, I don’t want to talk about it either. It’s actually the part of Wafiq’s culture that I try to ignore at all costs. What in the actual fuck is that thing next to the toilet & please don’t, but please do, but please do not, tell me what you do with it. Let me introduce, the bidet.

I spent a long time thinking a bidet was gross & Wafiq should be embarrassed. Like, my gosh. How dirty! I even tried to avoid the subject completely whenever the topic came up in a social setting (because you guys don’t talk about bum bum holes with your friends?) to protect his feelings.

Then I moved to Dubai. And I was in their setting – no toilet was left without a way to wash your bottom. Again, I continued to ignore, ignore, ignore. Simply a weird part of their culture, I don’t care to know about. However, I’m so cool & respectful that I support them doing whatever they believe is best. Like, I felt as if I was a real advocate here.

UNTIL, I was in a room where people were talking about bathrooms. I could overhear them & noticed they made a joke under their breath about dirty American’s because of their BUM BUM HOLES! They had the conversation sort of towards me, to let me in on the joke – but I was clueless. What are they talking about?! It was in that moment that I realized I had things backward. They weren’t shy or embarrassed about washing their bottoms, they wanted to protect MY feelings. They didn’t think they were dirty, they thought I was dirty!

Excuse me, what?

This entire time I’ve been a cultural accepting advocate to find out they were actually trying to protect ME?! Wafiq!?

The flood gates opened. Tell me more about washing your asshole & how it works. Clearly we have a misunderstanding & I’ve had it horribly wrong. No question was left unanswered. I asked them all. Why are we watering our asshole? Does poo splash on you? Is it messy? Why can’t you just wipe? What if there isn’t water? How? No, but really, HOW? & now Wafiq brings up the bidet whenever he wants, there’s one installed in our guest bathroom, there was never a curtain he was hiding behind! (I guess I made one to protect myself, story of my life.) But clearly, this is a topic that American’s are last to the party on. Trust me, travel & you’ll see. Just bring up washing bum bums & buckle in.

With the shortage of toilet paper, I realized Americans needed a real wake up call. Not only are we cleaning our bum bums wrong, we can’t even imagine there’s another way! We hoard toilet paper like our life literally depends on it! Can you imagine, another way exists? ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE.

Here’s an example conversation literally anyone with a bidet will tell you about washing their bottoms, I’ll get you through it quickly:

Q: “You use a bidet?!”

A: “You don’t? Imagine you dropped peanut butter on your counter, would you grab a dry paper towel & wipe it up? That would spread it around, leaving traces of peanut butter left on your counter. You would need to wash it off with water. SAME WITH ASSHOLES.”

Bidet from Amazon — *Get your own bidet (here)*

And now you probably want to know the play-by-play. How exactly are you using the hose to wash your hole? I have the answers.

How To Use the Hose to Wash Your Hole:

go to the bathroom
grab the hose next to the toilet bowl
lean over slightly
point & gently spray your bottom
put the hose back
grab a tiny piece of toilet paper to dry off, if it’s clear it’s clean
done!

With the ridiculous toilet paper shortage & Wafiq remaining unphased, I felt like it was time to share. Let the brave American warriors clean their bottoms with water! (I’m thinking especially people who wipe 950 times? No?) A bidet is so simple & affordable to install, you can buy it on Amazon (so simple that you can’t find any excuse to skip it – trust me I tried). I’m also noticing more & more toilets are coming with a bidet option built-in, so you can always try that if you have the luxury.

What I’m trying to say here is – American’s are late to the bum bum washing game. That’s the truth. And it’s approaching. I write this today but I bet in the following year or 2 I won’t be the only one talking about washing your asshole. Just remember the peanut butter next time you’re cleaning.

This conversation might feel awkward to you, but unfortunately it’s pretty normal to me. I would argue awkwardly normal? I realize our bowel movements are pretty important & a very normal part of being human. We should actually be spending more time talking about the quality of our bowels – but I’ll save that for another day.

I think this is a good starting point. I consider myself taking one for the team by bringing it up, right?

If you have a bidet or if you’re thinking about installing one, feel free to get in on the conversation!

I share because… I luv u.

Be thoughtful