Life Chats: hotel anxiety

I wanted to discuss the anxiety I had while in Dubai & then the world changed overnight. I almost forgot there was life before April 2020.

I was visiting Dubai for an entire month in January/February which I shared on Instagram. While I was there, I spent a week or 2 visiting different hotels. (That was after several weeks sharing limited content because I was busy hanging with family.) Wafiq & I wanted to treat ourselves to a few resorts that occupy Dubai before heading home, because the glamour! I also thought it would be fun to SHARE. I assume hotels & resorts are what people dream of, what people save their money for, therefore what people would want to see! Especially in Dubai. It’s definitely not my normal content, but I thought it would be better than sharing my chicken dinner. Feel me?

From the first hotel, until the last, I had unexpected & mounting anxiety. Which I definitely didn’t share through the little Instagram Stories I was making. I was supposed to be enjoying myself! I was literally engaging in something people dream of, in some of the most beautiful hotels in the world – How can I be feeling this way?! I tried to manage my anxiety & push through the days. (how ridiculous does that sound? I had to “manage” & “push through” days on the beach at a resort? I know, fucking insane.) Then, I got an Instagram message from someone that said something like “I only wish I could do something like that”. I felt like someone gut punched me. They wish they could be doing this?! Managing & pushing through, crawling into each day, dreaming of relief?! They had no idea how I was really feeling, to no fault of their own, but I immediately realized what I was portraying was so distant from reality. That was my first problem, my other problem was figuring out why exactly I wasn’t enjoying myself or having the day that person wished for.

The truth is, sharing the fancy hotels, luxurious pools, the open ocean, catered food & impeccable service didn’t fulfill me in that moment. I didn’t feel like I was being fair to myself, or people watching. I struggled to connect to the purpose of my sharing, what message I wanted to send, or even simply, WHY. So someone else can daydream of this trip? I myself rarely dream of that. Resorts don’t give me ultimate happiness. I’ve seen happiness & I’ve felt it, but rarely because of those places. When I lived in the Dominican Republic, where I realized what true happiness looks like, I couldn’t wait to leave the “weekend getaways” at the resort to get back to the city – where there was life, family, connection, & true happiness.

It’s challenging for me to share clothing suggestions or trips or places to shop or ways to work hard. I’ve been struggling in recent years with what I suggest to people. Sharing is fun & it’s a creative outlet that makes me fucking happy – but it’s been challenging to figure out how to equally share but also express the simple fact that none of it matters! Clothes don’t make or break you. A destination with glistening photos isn’t going to trick you into ultimate happiness. You have everything you need to be happy, already in front of you. Human connection & quality time is the ULTIMATE. The mother fucking, thing. The winning ticket. Clothes, massages, a fancy destination, makeup – that’s filler, like a cherry on top of an already delicious & extremely large cake with sprinkles. The cherry is cute, but it doesn’t make or break the cake.

I know this because I’ve seen communities of people without anything material, but with ultimate joy. I’ve seen communities of people with everything material, but with ultimate sadness.

Not only was I struggling to find a message to share with others while on vacation, but I was also having trouble connecting myself. My anxiety was compounding each day – badly. We had a few more days we wanted to explore hotels but I had enough. The last hotel we saw was Atlantis & I had a panic attack in the lobby sipping coffee. I couldn’t breathe or find air or figure a way out. At some point, anxiety isn’t manageable. It’s a matter of getting through the next moment, finding a safe space, and surrendering.

I’d like to say the anxiety got better but it truly didn’t until I was all the way home, in Austin.

I’m sharing this because it was important for me to put the truth behind what’s being shown. In the moment, anxiety is hard to share. I’m cautious to articulate it the right way. (also… I’m panicking-barely-alive-just-hoping-to-not-freak-the-fuck-out)

It’s also important to know, my time in Dubai was absolutely not all bad & anxiety! Not at all! The best parts of my trip were being with my family, showing them where I used to live. What I used to do every day. Introduce them to the place Wafiq grew up. Being in their company, sitting down together, granted me the biggest fulfillment of possibly my entire life. Conversations, human connections, & quality time. That’s the formula that inspires me. Whether in a fancy hotel or someone’s living room.

As for the anxiety? The beginning of this illness was floating around which was burrowing deep in my mind knowing I had a 14-hour plane ride ahead of me & 2 international airports to sit in. I felt anxious to get back to work, so it was hard to sit still at a hotel. I had been away from home for too long, I was burnt out. I wish I had my anxiety medicine, that would’ve definitely helped & I had a major learning lesson to take it with me whenever I travel – like duh.

I did a pretty good job covering up my reality, so remember that when you see photos & videos of things that look PERFECT. Trust me, perfect is an easy image to convey through social media. EASY. For me, conveying a good time wasn’t the hard part, it was my reality that was a struggle.

Next time I’m sharing a hotel or resort, I’ll only do it from an honest place. If I’m feeling it, I’ll share it. I hope in the future, especially now after being quarantined, we’ll do better at detaching from our phones & what they’re telling us. Finding moments to be present & grateful for what we already have right in front of our beautiful eyes.

I luv u. Thank u for listening.

be thoughtful